Living Loving Learning

Heritage: Fathering

In Heritage on Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Bad fathering can have a devastating impact on a family not just for the here and now but for future generations. A bad father is not just limited to verbal abuse or physical abuse towards his wife and kids. There is also the absent father or the unintentional father. Even fathers that live eat and sleep in their own house can be uninvolved to a point where the damage can be disastrous.

 

Plenty of information exposing a bad father is talked about every day in our society but what about good fathering? Fathering that will have a positive effect on our families?

 

I know for me, the first step is recognizing from where I came. Most guys, if they come from a vexed past, don’t want to admit to the way they were brought up or they will gloss over the real facts and not accept that they may have deficiencies. And then we are very prideful to a point of not wanting any help thus creating all kinds of problems. But it doesn’t have to end there. It must not end there if we want to change our ways and the direction and heritage of our families. 

 

The next step is asking and finding answers to two “simple” questions.

Why am I here?

And what am I going to do about being here?

Once you can get a handle on these ideas you begin to put into place the attitudes you have to have to be a good father and husband.

 

I want to talk about those attitudes in the future. But what about now? Can you answer those two little questions guys?

 

Why am I here?  And what am I going to do about being here?

 

How about you women? Did your father give you peace and security?

dirk

 

Dirk

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  1. My dad did an amazing job giving me a solid foundation. To have called me strong-willed would have been an understatement, but he knew how to deal with me. I always knew (and still do) that my dad would always keep me third in his life, right behind God and my mother, exactly where I needed to be. Hopefully, I will raise a family with a man who will not just know these things but will be man enough to admit NOT knowing!

  2. My dad did not do a good job. I had a very warped view of God and what marriage should look like. My husband and I, even before we were Christ-followers, knew we wanted something different. We were called to something else. Adding Jesus to that made our whole calling make sense. My husband is an amazing father, his priorities are straight, and while he is not perfect, he does what God tells him to do to the best of his ability. We are truly pioneers in our own families. Now that you and Robin have introduced the word Heritage into our vocabulary, its going to help us redefine our mission.

  3. I enjoy Dirk’s views on parenting, being a husband/father, and on life. I was wondering when Dirk will be putting on a seminar? I would like to sign up!

  4. My dad was physically protective of me and that made me feel secure. He also never laid a hand on me. I trusted him. I knew he loved me even though I probably only heard him say it less than 5 times in my life. But, I have made peace with the fact that did the best he knew how at the time AND he made HUGE strides compared to his card-carrying KKK father.

    I would say that I really missed out on not having a dad who was physically loving and encouraging. I wonder if I would have made different choices if he doted over me and told me how special I was.

    I dunno. He died 19 years ago and I’m good with it. Lots of healing happens in 19 years 🙂

  5. Well what can I say?? I have one of the best dads in the world and was raised by a community that involved the best dads as well (Dirk being one of them)! I’ve always said I am the way I am because of my dad, but as I grow older, I can trace thoughts and beliefs back to my younger days when we would read the Bible together every night, and discuss it (yes, as an 8 year old, we talked about the Old Testament). We would pray together every night. Just me and him most of the time. When we were in the car together, we’d talk about interesting things and I always (and still do) learned something new 😉 maybe that’s what sparked my quest for knowledge. My dad is absolutely amazing and sets the standard very high for any man who might try and pursue me someday. I love him a lot!

  6. What a great post Dirk. My father died when I was really young and I have just a few vague memories of him. I did have a stepfather but he made no attempt really to be a dad and as a teenager I did not try that hard myself to be a son. My own relationship therefore with my son has been new ground. I took it as a blank page and a chance to be the kind of dad to him that I hope as a child my real dad would have been to me. I have a long way to go but I do think our little family and my relationship with my son has been a success. It really pains me now to see other dads that lash out at their kids or just as worse pay no attention to them at all. I clearly see that most of these guys do not realize the seeds of pain they are planting that may even carry on to the next generation.

    There is indeed a dad gap in our world that needs to be filled. All fathers should be reading this blog and should take an inward look as to how they are treating their family. One of the greatest compliments my son every gave me was just a couple of weeks ago after Switch. He said they were asked to write something down that they would change about mom and dad. He said he could not think of one thing to write since we “are such great parents”. Finally he ended up with “Dad is wierd” and “Mom talks on the phone too much” : ) I will take that any day!

    I agree with Micheal that this would be a great topic for a seminar/life group/bible study/Wild at Heart weekend or something. There are just so many Dads out there that need help.

  7. Security? Yes. Peace…not so much. My dad is a great dad, and yet I think the biggest thing that has been lacking in our relationship is verbal affirmation. He was always present. Always supporting our family. Always spending time with us. But never SAYING what my daughter-heart desperately wanted to hear. That I was beautiful. That I was treasured. That he was proud of me. And not hearing it made me wonder if he even thought it. Or if it was even true. And not knowing for sure allowed Satan a foothold for his lies.

    Now that I am older, I understand that he MEANT all those things, he just never SAID them out loud (except once…at my HS graduation when he hugged me and said, “I’m proud of you, buddy.” That memory will stick with me forever, because the sheer verbalization of his feelings hit me like a brick. In a good way. 🙂

  8. Peace and security… yes, of course! I have the best dad in the world! 😉

  9. Great post! The Many Meadows should write a book.

    Yes, my dad give me peace and security as a child. Things changed when I became a Christian at 15. It changed our relationship. Unfortantely, he has been distant since I made the commitment to Christ.

    We use to spend hours upon hours on the golf course. I treasure those memories. He was my number 1 confidant. He was at everything. School, golf tournaments, football games….he was there. It all changed aburptly….and hasn’t been the same. That has been hard. Like he died but he is still here. Hard to put into words. I guess it was the death of a relationship as I knew it. I miss him terribly!

    I have a Father who will never leave me or forsake me. That is where my security and peace is now. 🙂

  10. I had a great dad. My hubs, not so much. The hubs has now fordged a great relationship with my dad – its my dad who he goes to for advice and approval.

    It means a whole lot when we get a written note from him telling us what a great job we are doing and he is proud of us.

    I keep each and every one of those notes.

    The hubs is a great dad. He is a blessing to our family.

  11. My dad left when I was 3. My step dad molested me. I spent my life running from people that I thought might reject me – I was sure to dump them first. In Christ, at first, I really believed I would never be able to measure up – never quite be good enough – since I wasn’t for anyone else in my life.

    I had a terrible example for parenting, unconditional love, and marriage! No wonder I was so blinded for so many years! My husband and I spend so much time together, on dates, at marriage retreats, in parenting classes, in the Bible, in prayer, in class, in church – in ANYTHING that BUILDS us up in the body!

    Thank God HE is not like my dads!

    Dirk, great job raising your family – I love peeking into the windows for examples!

  12. Did your father give you peace and security?

    My father did bless me with these things by realizing that he wasn’t in any position to be a father. He stayed out of my life until I was old enough to understand how he was. Then we had a great friendship that I miss everyday.

    Sometimes you get peace and security by not having something volitile in your life. Sad but true.

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